GOODBYE 2022 – DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON THE ARSE ON THE WAY OUT.

To be honest, prior to July, I thought the last few years had been pretty shitty with Trigeminal Neuralgia putting me in almost a perpetual state of self imposed lockdown and then Covid periodically doing the same for everyone else. Pretty shitty that is, until along came Rupert! Now I understand what a “pretty shitty” year is really like.

This week I made the mistake of watching an excellent BBC TV Series called Mayflies. It was outstanding Television and the sort of show only European Countries seem capable of producing. Mayflies depicts how a guy with inoperable cancer faces up to his mortality and the impact his choices have on his loved ones. He decides to travel to Switzerland to avail himself of that Country’s Assisted Dying laws and wants his lifelong best mate to accompany him. It was riveting stuff and had me questioning who I would want with me in the same circumstances. I’m not sure it’s an obligation I could ask anyone I care about to take up. A feeling of melancholy ensued for a couple of days until I arrived at the conclusion that some things are best undertaken alone so all of you can sleep easy knowing I won’t be calling on any of you to hold my hand if/when that time arrives.

Tonight we will all make New Year’s Eve resolutions knowing full well that we will have broken most of them by the end of New Year’s Day. In my case, that applies in Spades to my “get fit” and “diet” declarations over the years so I thought I would suggest just a few Resolutions that you might be able to live with through 2023 that will make life a bit more enjoyable for old blokes like me.

Number 1: Be patient with your elders. Just because I regularly lose my train of thought or forget what I was going to say, don’t assume I’m going senile (that’s my story and I’m sticking to it🙂). Thankfully I have taught my gorgeous Granddaughter Ainsley how to play Sudoku so now when I get stuck, she can help me complete the puzzles but unfortunately she isn’t always by my side. Brain fog is an identified side effect of both Long Covid and Hormone Therapy so the next time you start to reach for the horn in the KFC Drive Through because the guy in front is taking too long to Order, think again. It just may well be me, without the support of Ainsley, having little joy in trying to purchase a Big Mac and a McFlurry. Remember, patience is a virtue.

Number 2: Don’t shove anyone at the Urinal. The Guinness Book Of Records doesn’t have a Category for “Time Taken To Complete A Leak” but if they did I’d be a moral to feature in their next edition. I made a living for 40 plus years using a Stop Watch and I think it might be time to pull my old Seiko out of storage to check just how many minutes it takes me to complete my “Tinkle Trickles”. Breaking the “Two Minute Mile” was something to aim for in the early days of Trotting but now my ambition is just to break the “Two Minute Pee Time”! It’s been bad enough having to get up 3 or 4 times per night to take a leak but with each journey to the toilet taking longer and longer to conclude, the frustration is building. So next time you’re getting annoyed because the old bloke in front of you at the Urinal seems to be taking forever to zip up, don’t push him forward. It’s probably just another person peeing with Rupert.

3. Don’t laugh when you see an old bloke stripping off in the middle of Winter. The Specialist warned me that a likely side effect of the Hormone Therapy would be Hot Flushes and it’s almost like he knew what he was talking about! Now would probably be a good time to apologise on behalf of every male in the World who failed to show empathy for the women in their life going through menopause. Hot Flushes are a thing and they are a bastard. They come out of nowhere and leave you reaching for the Air Conditioner controls and a towel to dry off the sweat and then just a few minutes later you are left shivering as the Hot Flush lets up. They are worse at night when they interrupt a sleep already disrupted by the frequent need to pee. So if you see an old fella taking off his shirt on a cold July day, don’t call the Police. It’s probably just someone coping with Rupert and a Hormone Therapy induced Hot Flush.

Anyway, that’s enough for 2022. Life is short so dream big and make 2023 an absolute cracker. ⭕️❌